To my kiddos on Mother's Day,

Nothing could've ever prepared me for the complexities of motherhood. No class, no heart-to-heart, no blog, no workshop, no book. As much as the words of others who had walked the path before me might have encouraged me (maybe, really, more like frightened me...)  they could not fully prepare my soul for the beautiful, challenging, messy time that awaited.

You think that Mama knows it all...that I am so very old...so much older than you. Can I tell you a secret, kids?

Truth is, Mama is really just a kid herself. I am relatively new to this whole motherhood gig. 9 years ago my first babe was still tucked away inside my womb, cozy and safe from the world. My tummy was her whole world. But that was only 9 years ago...I haven't been a Mama very long.

I know you kids think I have all the answers...I guess in some respects I do. I am the one, after all, who answers every. single. question. All day, every day.

But really, I'm learning as I go.

Newsflash: I have never been a Mom before. I didn't get a four year degree in motherhood and fulfill an apprenticeship before the first of you was placed into my waiting arms. There was no practice, no rehearsal, no training to prepare for what I now spend my every day doing. That's hard for you to even imagine though, at 8, 5, 3 & 1. I am all you know of motherhood.

I adore being your Mama. It is by far the absolute hardest task I have ever been entrusted with, by goodness...it is worth it. There is no greater joy than the exhausting work of loving your little lives up in The Lord. The daily feeding of your bellies and your souls is so daunting...but so incredibly beautiful.

I am learning moment by moment that a life laid down most closely resembles My Savior. So I lay mine down again and again...and fight for joy in the midst of the selflessness He asks of me.

When the four of you are grown, and sit around talking about your childhood..sharing stories, laughing and perhaps shedding a tear for the hurts...I pray that you give me grace. I hope you can see the woman who was trying to raise y'all to love The Lord, to love others...I hope you know I tried my very best. You will know better than any other people on this earth (besides your Dad) that I am a far cry from a perfect person. I get angry, I get ugly, I loose my patience, I get frustrated, I say rude things, I am a flawed woman...fighting minute by minute to choose joy in the chaos and selflessness in my self-centered desires.

 I pray that you can see me for the woman that is beneath the title of Mama...that you might love and respect even, the way I have loved you.

While I'm not perfect, hopefully you can see Jesus in me. He is my strength, He is my hope. He continually draws me back to Him...softens my easily hardened heart...helps me grow into the Mama y'all need me to be. I hope you will see, through my mistakes, through my missteps, that if Jesus loves your Mama with an unrelenting love, He surely loves you just the same.

I am trying, at the nudging and reminding of The Spirit to be an intentional Mama. To peer into the future and consider the lovely, strong, intelligent, compassionate, selfless adults y'all are going to become. As I picture these grown ups I have yet to meet, yet already know, I think about how my daily interactions are forming or destroying who you each are called to be.

I tell your Dad frequently, "Isn't it so cool that we are raising our future best friends?! I mean, it's kinda crazy, right?"

It is crazy. It is cool. I pray that it becomes reality.

By God's goodness I won't botch the whole thing.

I trust that He will fill in the gaps your Dad and I will undoubtedly leave.

I love you four more than any words could do justice. You are my greatest work, my greatest gifts. I am incredibly grateful to be your Mama, and I thank you for loving me.

Please be patient with me, I will be patient with you (it's your first time to do the kid-growing-up-thing too, after all)...as we continue to grow up together, day by day. Thankful to be journeying with you.

love,
Mama

every day good

When my brothers and I were growing up we fought often, as siblings do. Sometimes it was a wrestling match, resulting in carpet burns on elbows and knees. (Pretty sure I brought that upon myself a time or two by pressing the power button on the Nintendo, being threatened to keep holding it in until they finished their game...then letting go and running for my life.) Other times it was a water fight when our parents had left us home alone. (Picture 3 kids, squirt guns, spray bottles and cups of water...chasing each other all over the house, slamming and locking doors, slipping and sliding.) And of course, frequently, our fights were a battle of words.

As we would argue, things usually progressed to the place where we were just shouting the same things over and over again. The only thing that changed was the volume, as it increased layer by layer. The tone of our arguing was usually much uglier than the actual words we were spitting out. By the point that we had exhausted all our venom, one brother, who will remain nameless, would yell vehemently, "CONVERSATION OVER. I WIN THE CONVERSATION. I WIN!" 

And with that remark, he would storm off. 

It was maddening to be on the "losing side". With that one statement, everything I had been trying to express had just been wiped away...I had been dismissed. Even though our "conversation" had been less than polite, it was declared over without my consent...and to add a dash of insult, I had "lost", which meant none of my words had carried any weight at all.

Why is it we so desperately want to be RIGHT...all the time? It must be ingrained deep within us, this desire to win. 

As I've watched the social media world unfurl in the past year, I've noted a lot of "winning". The area I have particularly seen it rear its ugly head, is tragically, within our Christian communities. Boy, do we like to win. We like to gather our evidence, line up our points then bash/correct/condemn/talk down to anyone who happens to listen. 

We have become Jesus Lawyers. 

We gather facts, build our cases then present our information. It morphs from information sharing (or "sharing the truth" as we like to call it) to beating others up with our words. We become the prosecutor and defendant all at once. It is US against THEM...and we will most definitely WIN this conversation.

Is this what Christ called us to be? His legal defense team? 

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the same measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Matthew 7:1-2

The Word of God is radical enough, it is alive and like a double edged sword. The Word of God is the sword...it alone can pierce and then make new the hearts of man. The Word of God does not need a Jesus Lawyer to defend it or to prosecute those who don't believe. 

What if...instead of being Jesus Lawyers, we were simply Jesus Lovers? 

What if...we become so enamored with our Savior that the only thing that pours out of us is love?

What if...we cared more about loving Jesus, and living like him?

As I reflect on the magnificent gift that was given us, as Christ laid down His very life for us...poor, wretched sinners...I can't help but think that what He wants from us in return is to be Jesus Lovers.

He loved us enough to sacrifice himself on our behalf...He takes our sins, our burdens and carries them.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

Today is Good Friday. When we live as Jesus Lovers, every day is a good day indeed.

"For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

Philippians 1:21

There's where we win...we lose ourselves, our need to defend, to be proven right...and we gain the peace and love of Christ. Yes please, Lord.